(this was a talk I wrote and gave for women at my local church. Wherever you are, if you are feeling battered or confused by church relationships I hope you might find it helpful)
I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all. Ephesians 4:1-6 (ESV)
Stories are powerful. They can bring pleasure during pain - like when we read a book to a crying child and it helps them calm down.
But stories are also powerful to keep us in pain and stop us experiencing pleasure. Our subconscious stories, created in response to strong emotion, imprison us. For example, we might have a painful experience that makes us feel worthless, so our mind concludes for us that therefore we are worthless, and then we live our lives as a slave to that narrative, always tying to prove to ourselves and others that we really are worth something.
The strong emotions we feel, are very real bodily reactions. But the ‘therefores’ we put onto those emotions are almost always false. In the Old Testament, when God had rescued the people of Israel from slavery in Egypt and was bringing them through the desert into the promised land, they felt hunger and thirst. But their discomfort led them to conclude therefore, “God hates us! He brought us into the desert because he wants to kill us! We need to go back to Egypt!”. Their pain was real, but their conclusions were messed up. They had forgotten to remind themselves of what God had done for them, and what God still promised to do for them. In their discomfort they forgot they were loved.
And we are the same. Without continually remembering what God has done for us and the promises he makes to us, we too will live at the mercy of our own messed up thinking. Yes, the subconscious stories we tell ourselves have tremendous power to ruin us, but God’s story is more powerful. The story of his love for us does have the power to set us free.
In that hope, let us turn to the Bible. Please look at one if you can.
CONTEXT
This passage in chapter 4 comes halfway through Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. The Ephesian Christians were a mixed bunch. There were Jews who had come from moral religious families, and there were Gentiles who had come out of theologically ignorant and immoral lifestyles. Now what kind of close relationships could these types of people have together? Just imagine the potential for judgement and fear.
But Paul wants them to leave behind their natural human reactions to one another and instead treat each other according to the truth of God.
The letter to the Ephesians is made up of 6 chapters. The first 3 chapters explain God’s plan for the universe. The second 3 chapters outline the lifestyle that is appropriate, given the truth of God’s plan.
Unless God’s plan that’s unveiled in 1-3 is understood, the instructions on how to live in chapters 4-6 don’t make sense… even notice that Paul begins chapter 4 with a ‘therefore’?
He is inviting us to reject living according our false interpretations of our feelings, and instead, live by God’s interpretation of the facts of history.
So, before we look at chapter 4, we need to understand the plan shown to us in chapters 1-3.
GOD’S PLAN FOR THE UNIVERSE
Well the plan can be summarised in one word - unity. See chapter 1 verse 10.
God’s plan is to unify a divided universe in the person of his son Jesus Christ.
Why is unity what we need?
In the beginning Adam and Eve lived in peaceful unity with God and one another and the creation. But all this was shattered by their rebellion against God’s will. Sin is dividing. It separates us from God’s life-giving presence and brings us under his wrath. Sin also divides us from one another, and it divides us within ourselves. We hate the things we think and do, but we can’t stop. The entire world we live in is fragmented by conflict.
But when Jesus died, he eliminated God’s anger against our sin and he makes peace and unity with God possible for those who believe in him. As Jesus unites believers with God through the Holy Spirit, he also unites believers with one another through the same Spirit. His death creates a new unified humanity - a people united to one another in one body, because they all share him as the same life-giving head of the body. This reconciliation of humans to one another is a stage in God’s plan to one day unite the whole universe in Christ.
Now that we have had a tiny glimpse of God’s plan let’s come back to chapter 4.
THE WALK
4 verse 1 - I therefore a prisoner for the Lord. Paul doesn’t begin this section by reminding his readers of his position and authority, instead he humbly calls himself a prisoner for the Lord. Paul walks the talk that he is about to urge the Ephesians, and us, to follow. His life demonstrates that the love of Jesus is more than enough to satisfy him. He is content that his situation in prison comes from his master, and he cheerfully uses his time, not to fight for his release, or descend into despair, but to write upbeat letters to strengthen his friends.
From prison Paul urges them, he is not suggesting they do this, he is begging them to.:
walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which they have been called,
Walking suggests the continuous way that we move through the world. Before coming to know the truth, Paul says they walked in the futility of their minds, darkened in their understanding and cut off from the life of God - see 4 verse 17. Now they need no longer stumble in the dark led by their feelings. They can now walk in the light of the truth of their calling as members of God’s household, Christ’s body. What does walking in the light look like?
Verse 2. It’s a walk of humility, or lowliness. True humility can only come from continuously viewing ourselves in relation to God’s mercy and love, rather than constantly judging ourselves in comparison to other people.
...and gentleness flows from humility. Gentleness is not striving to make others to conform to our agendas. It only comes from a continuous surrender of our wills to God, and a dependence on God’s power, not our own, to bring about the changes we long to see in others.
Continuing verse 2, ...with patience. Patience is a quiet willingness of heart to wait for God to give us the changes we desire. Patience is also called ‘long-suffering’. Because to wait, is to suffer. Dying to the craving we have to force the people around us to be what we want them to be, is painful. Unlimited patience with others only comes from living under the conviction of our own slowness to change, and walking in the comfort that God has unlimited patience with us.
Then Paul writes, bearing with one another. If we haven’t picked it up yet, to walk with sincere humility, gentleness and patience towards one another requires treating one another with unlimited grace. To bear with, means to continually forgive the offences that others cause us. It also means showing unlimited patience with others who have different convictions and personalities to us. We can only bear with others when we deliberately choose to focus on the good in them. If we let our minds fixate on the faults of another person, we will only continue to see more fault in them, until relationship with them becomes unbearable. We can bear with others only when we walk in the continual comfort that God bears with us.
The manner in which we bear with others is very important - we are to bear in love. God doesn’t bear with us through gritted teeth, neither should we in our bearing with one another. Sincere love means real affection. But how is it possible to feel affection for people who drive us nuts? Well we must understand that there are two kinds of love. Natural human love, and God’s supernatural love. Human love is what comes naturally between people who mutually meet one another’s needs. But the problem with human love is that it is vulnerable to human weakness - we simply run out of it when we are fed-up. God’s supernatural love, however, has no limit. It is a love and affection that bubbles up and overflows for anyone in need, irrespective of what might be gained in return, or even how that person may hurt and annoy us. It is impossible to love others in this super-human way without choosing to walk constantly in the knowledge and comfort of Christ’s unlimited love and affection for us. That’s what means to abide in Christ’s love. Do we do this begrudgingly? No! We do it zealously, because by being careful to maintain bonds of peace between one another even - and especially - when it is difficult, we are looking out for the precious unity of the Spirit that Christ paid so dearly to give us.
We’re up to verse 3.... eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. What is unity of the Spirit? It is a unity created by God when he gave us the Holy Spirit. The Spirit unites us to God, and it unites us to everyone else who also has the Spirit in them, regardless of what church they go to. If I don’t have the Spirit in me and you do, we can’t have unity of the Spirit. We can’t create spiritual unity amongst ourselves, anymore than we can give ourselves the gift of the Holy Spirit. An implication of this, is that Christian unity is something to receive with thankfulness not something to strive to create. The secret to a vibrant Christian community is not putting together a bunch of people who are all passionate about achieving their dreams of what a Christian community should look like. No way. The secret is much simpler than we realise. It is to simply look upon one another with thankfulness. Isn’t it kind of God to not only save us from our sins, but also give us brothers and sisters who are committed to walking this hard road with us? Unity of the Spirit is not something we make, but something we honour by crucifying our pride and walking in humility and compassion towards one another. And why is this the only way of walking that makes sense? Because…
Verses 4-6 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call— one Lord, one faith, one baptism, one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
The basis of our spiritual unity is that there is only one plan to fix our divided universe. And that is God’s plan, not ours. God’s plan to fix everything does not depend on me fixing anything. The more I strive in my own will to fix myself, or fix the people around me, the more I’m just contributing to the problem. In natural human society, many individual wills all strive against each other, creating division. In God’s new, spiritually-reborn society, there are not many wills living in conflict, but only one will ruling over all. Those who unreservedly submit to God’s will enjoy peace and unity with God, and peace and unity with others, as far as it depends on them.
Paul urges a very high standard of conduct. But, it is only appropriate, given our very high calling.
NOT ME BUT CHRIST IN ME
How are we going at walking this way? Do we feel like we are going ok? If so, we haven’t understood how high God’s standard is, and we are still judging ourselves according to our own stories. Or do we feel a sense of despair that walking this kind of life will always be beyond us - that it might be God’s gift for others, but not for us? If that’s you, please don’t believe this lie. Jesus promises to give you a new heart. If you want that, but you feel hopeless, don’t try to work this through on your own. Fight against the pull to isolate. Find someone who knows Jesus and tell them how you feel. Ask them to pray for you and walk with you and read the Bible with you, and whatever you do, don’t believe that the Bible has no power to change you. The only way we can be free from the prison of our own stories, is by constantly exposing our minds to God’s story.
God’s story centres on one man - the Lord Jesus Christ. Jesus walked according to his calling as the Son of the Most High. He walked with all humility, gentleness and patience towards both his enemies and his friends. And Jesus is alive today. He promises to give his peace to all who receive him.
How do we receive him? How do we walk as he walked?
It is not by human effort. We only walk the way he walked, when he is walking in us, and our own wills are dead. When we die to our cravings for comfort and control in this world, Jesus makes himself at home in our hearts and gives us all the power we need to follow in his steps.
Surrendering completely to him may feel like jumping off a cliff into an unknown abyss - terrifying. But Jesus can be depended on. He alone is our one true soul-mate; our ugly souls are naked before him but he desires and accepts us just as we are, and he promises to never let us go. The horrors hidden in our hearts are no barrier to him uniting himself with us - he took care of all that on the cross. There is no anger in him towards us. He earnestly longs to unite his full and perfect Spirit with our empty and broken spirits. When his Spirit is united with ours, we receive all the blessings that are his. His Father becomes our Father, his kingly future inheritance becomes our inheritance, his family becomes our family. Jesus never stops filling the hearts and lives of all those who depend on him. Right now, his Spirit unites us with all those who also have his Spirit. Whatever we may have to give up in order to truly come to him, he will repay a hundredfold. He will fill our lives with spiritual friendships that will last for eternity. It doesn’t matter if we don’t feel the truth of this, how we feel doesn’t determine what is real. The promises of Jesus are solid and true. The stories we tell ourselves are messed up. Let us give thanks to God for all his goodness to us, especially the gift of brothers and sisters who help us remember that we are loved by him.
Recommended resources:
The Letter to the Ephesians by the Apostle Paul
Life Together by Dietrich Bonhoeffer (ch 1)
God Does His Best Work with Empty by Nancy Guthrie - paper audiobook
Love the Ones Who Drive You Crazy by Jamie Dunlop - paper audiobook
Flourish : How the Love of Christ Frees Us from Self-focus by Lydia Brownback - paper audiobook
